Fear Terrifies Me

We live in a world where nothing is certain and anything can happen. Whether by the passing of chance or more oft the hand of another human, our futures are as cloudy as a stormy day. I try to keep shining a positive light on the world as much as I can, but every day it is apparent that we truly have no control over what happens. Over the course of the past week that has sunk in to a deeper than usual level as I realize that I am reaching a quarter century of life and still am not where I would like to be. To many it’s mere pittance what issues I have in my life, however fear is something that we all experience sometime.

It’s obvious that we can all think about the events of last week and have some fear over it. In the past few days alone we have heard news of many other shootings or attempted shootings around the nation, making us question our safety in this world. To be honest, this is something that has never really scared me, per say. I am aware that at any time, I could leave this life due to whatever random consequence that could possibly happen, but I am learning to leave my regret behind. There are many things that I have regretted, but moving on and moving forward in life requires one to push their regret behind them and try to grow from the mistakes that have happened. I am no stranger to mistakes, so the fear of regret is not something that affects me.

Oddly enough, it is the fear of failure that scares me at this current time. Everyone experiences failure in their life because we are not perfect and, as they say, we must learn from our failures to be able to grow stronger and better. However, our world does not take terribly kindly to failure and has ways of turning a single failure into a life changing experience. Just today I was given news that one of my coworkers, a fellow contractor, was being let go early from his contract due to a lack of work to be done. It is nothing against him, but a failure in the system has him being let go many months before the scheduled end of his contract and puts him into a poor financial position. Our world does not take well to one who is unable to pay their rent, so the potential to be without a paycheck and something that incites fear into me.

This fear can sometimes snowball dangerously into what could be if this failure continues. For example, if a lack of a job due to a failure in the system causes a person to have to sell off their belongings followed by having to find a new place to live that is cheaper followed by having to find a lower paying job just to be able to make ends meet causes an incredible amount of undue stress on a person for no good reason. Some people will call this “life” and say that one who complains about such a circumstance just isn’t working hard enough in life, but when one has the potential to make amazing things happen and they aren’t given the opportunity, is that just another part of the complicated game of life?

Some people also fear being alone, which is something that has always weighed heavily on me on a personal level. It is an irrational fear, to be honest, as being alone is not the worst thing that could happen in a person’s life, but society seems to expect that people will be together with another and have a family. For me, it extends slightly deeper than on a relationship level, as my friendship level is unusually low for someone as outspoken and extroverted as myself, making me wonder if there is something wrong with the way that I act. As you can see, the fear keeps stacking upon itself, causing one to be scared beyond rational thought. Truly, fear is something that exists on a personal level and is not universal.

My final fear involves failure once again, but a failure to make a difference in the world. For many years now, I have touted the phrase, “I want to make a difference in the world” and yet I sit in an office and do menial work. I have a company which I am trying to create and all of my attempts to gather support for it have ended in a crashing failure. It scares me that I may be forced to work for people who don’t understand the way I feel or who take advantage of my knowledge and abilities for the rest of my life. Money is not something that has ever driven me but it is a necessary evil to live, however I strive to start non-profit organizations, making enough money to live on my own while being able to help others get up from their fears.

Everyone feels fear sometime in their life. Most of the time a person’s fear can be controlled by the thought that there are other things to worry about in life, or can be distracted by a person’s want to work harder at their job or school work. But sometimes that fear bubbles up to the surface and puts a person into a defensive state, unsure of how to move forward. Fear is something that terrifies me and sometimes it takes a little work to get yourself back onto the right path again, but hopefully I’ll find that thing that will point me back in the right direction and get me back where I belong.