Disclaimer: The following article pertains to thoughts strictly regarding the author. Your comments are still highly encouraged.
Have you ever stopped, looked back and observed the events that have taken place in the past day? With my mind always on the run, I always have the time to think about what has happened, and evaluate how this is affecting the future that is in store for myself. For me, the past 72 hours have been an experience I have yet to have had before, and looking back, I wonder how this is affecting the plans I have for my future self. Life is an ever changing beast filled with many things that are typically unnecessary, yet while you can control your own actions and thoughts, you cannot control those of others around you.
Having friends, while seemingly an easy task, has always been an unusually difficult one for me. For those who don’t know me personally, I hold my friends in the highest respect. I will do anything to make those around me happy, or at least to make them smile, no matter the expense. The world is a cruel place most of the time, or at least for some it is, so those tiny moments of happiness can make or break a life. In saying that, I also expect a lot from my friends, including the same respect that I give them, back to me and others around me as well. Sadly, due to my standards of respect, over the course of the past 72 hours, I fear that I may have lost some friends who were once close to me. If this is the case, this would be yet another group of friends who have come and gone through my life, continuing a cycle that has been going on for at least the past eight years.
Because of that event, I became depressed, and not just like I used to where I would shut myself out from others for a day or two and then come back, but rather I have gone to great lengths to cut myself off from the world around me. For the first time since I made it, I deleted my Facebook account and stopped checking my Twitter, two of the main sources of my communication with the outside world. I also turned off all of my instant messaging programs, and am not answering most of my e-mails. For me, this is unusual, as I typically am ridiculously connected to all things Internet. Looking back, I continue to question if this was the right decision to make. I am someone who thrives on other people, but at the same time, I’ve been trying everything to keep myself away from other people, so it’s hard to tell whether or not I’m hurting myself more by following through with this.
Even throughout all of this, I’ve learned a few other things. At my worst moment, I contacted the only people who I knew I could trust, and who understand me most. There are three people in my life who I feel that I can talk to about anything, and talking to them opened up my eyes to not only things about them, but things about myself and how I feel as well. The first two people are two young ladies who I’ve known for many years, and who have been the most positive impact on my life, and the third is my best friend who, sadly, lives 1,600 miles away.
I am a person who loves to love, which, yes, sounds terribly redundant, but I live off of the love that I give to others. I have found that there are but two people in my life who I could ever love in the way of a relationship, and I’ve also learned how hard it is to try and love others now that I’ve found them. The first is a girl who I met, ironically, on the Internet. We met a year or two ago and found out that we had very similar music interests, which for me, is huge, because there aren’t many people that I know, and can respect, that like electronic music like I do. She showed me how to find happiness no matter what situation surrounded you, and was a huge ray of light in my life. The second girl is a girl who I met through work before she moved away to college. Her and I connected because we have eerily similar views on life, while at the same time were somehow completely opposite with how we felt about it as well. Talking with her gave me great happiness, because we understood each other, and I came to like her as well.
What I learned in the past 72 hours is that I’ll never be able to be together with either of them, and I torture myself by not being able to move on from it. I can speak to either of these young ladies about anything, and they will be there for me, even when they shouldn’t because they may have their own life to deal with. I’m extremely happy to have them both in my life, however, I also am blinded to anything but them. They each have good reasons why they don’t share the same feelings with me as I do with them, of course, and yet, my mind just can’t get over them. Also, shockingly, I see both of them the least out of anyone in my life, so you’d think that I would have forgotten about them, however sadly, that just is not the facts behind it. I would also like to provide a special thanks to my best friend who, sadly, lives in Las Vegas. We have known each other for more years than nearly anyone else in my life, and he has been a huge support for me, as I have for him. Sadly, lately he’s been busier, since he now has a girlfriend, and I would like to congratulate him, and wish him the very best with it. Knock her dead my friend… well, not literally, that would probably be bad, not only for your relationship, but I don’t think that the law would like that either, just saying.
Right now, I’m sitting in between my life. On one side, I have the carefree happiness of ignoring everything around me and not doing my responsibilities in an attempt to try and bring my mood back up. On the other side, I have the depression of trying to figure out how to repair friendships, how to move on from non-existent relationships and how to get further in my life. Yes, those examples are the extremes of each side, however it serves the point I’m trying to get across. Looking back upon this article, I couldn’t honestly explain to you what my thoughts were when I started writing it, and due to the fact that I am not posting this to many social networks, only a select handful of people will be reading this, but if you do, let me know, talk to me, in the comments, tell me what you think, what I should think, what is on your mind, after reading this. Has this opened your eyes to something in your life? Do you think I need to stop over-thinking so much? Thank you, for reading, and have a good weekend.