From The Heart: Volume One

Disclaimer: The following article is a part of a series called “From The Heart”, which contains many thoughts pertaining closely to the author. Your thoughts and responses are heartily welcomed, as with any entry on this website. Thank you for reading.

It pains me to say that this website that I have put forth so much labor in to has become nothing but just another weblog on the wide world of the Internet. If I were to outright say that by having my own website, and by writing about my life experiences, that they are more important than anyone else’s, I would be a fool. However, I feel that if I have the will to communicate my inner most feelings with those of whom I feel should hear them most, that I should find the medium that fits best in which to be able to do so. And maybe, by some slim yet plausible chance, someone out there may read something that I write, and find value in it, and choose to do something about those feelings that they too are keeping deep inside.

Over the course of my nearly twenty-three years of existence, I have met, socialized and befriends hundreds of different individuals from all over the world. Some I have met through everyday life experiences, such as school or work; others I have met through less conventional methods, such as the Internet or gatherings of fans of websites. It would be conceited of me to say that I have impacted their lives in one way or another, but I would like to think that I have contributed to their life experiences, hopefully in a positive sense. What most people don’t realize, however, is that, while I go into a situation hoping that I can provide something for those around me, I go more to learn from them. I understand that this sounds unusual, but I don’t feel that my life is butterflies and rainbows.

In fact, I am envious of almost everyone who I have met in my life. Even the people who I have met who I sometimes wish I hadn’t, or whom I try to distance myself from for whatever reason; I envy them too for what they have. But it’s not their physical possessions that I envy, because compared to many people, I am living a life of near luxury. I surround myself with technology, have the highest end computers and video game systems, collect media of all types, have an ample amount of good clothing, have a home in which I am welcomed in and which provides excellent shelter to the sometimes frigid outdoors. And yet, even with how much I have, I still feel that I have nothing.

I feel that the biggest problem with me writing this is that it seems like it’s a cry for attention. I own my own website, and I am complaining about these small things on it because I don’t feel like it matters how well my life is going. This brings up two points in which I must touch on. The first is a saying that I heard from one of my favorite charitable organizations, To Write Love On Her Arms. Their most famous quote in which they always tell people is, “your story matters; you matter.” While that doesn’t give me, or anyone for that matter, the right to complain to the public about the shortcomings that you have in your life, I take it as if there’s a possibility that someone out there may find purpose in reading something that I write, and may learn that they themselves matter, and hopefully use that newfound power to go out and make a difference in someone else’s life.

The second point I want to cover is where my, well, “priorities” in life lay, for lack of a better term. What I mean by this, is what I care about most in my life, and what makes the most impact on who I am. If you were to look at my Internet persona, you would learn that on social networking sites, I have friends from all over the state, country and world, but very few in my local area. And those that I do know in my area have their priorities somewhere else as well, making it very hard to connect with them. As I mentioned earlier, I have a lot of physical stuff which surrounds me, and yet, even with all of this, I am not satisfied. My social life lacks, and not due to a lack of trying either, mind you. It seems, though, that I just can’t seem to connect with the right people in life.

All the time, people have told me that I should go out and meet new people. It’s a great concept, in theory, but a difficult thing to actually produce on. Many people have told me that I should go out to the bar to meet new people, but going to the bar by myself is a completely unappealing event to me. On the off chance, there is a possibility that I may meet someone there who I could become friends with, but most of the time the other people who have gone to the bar have gone with someone as well. Maybe I don’t have the right conversational skills, but I can’t see myself walking up to a random group of people and just beginning to socialize with them. Ideally, I could invite someone else to come with me so that I don’t look so ridiculous in that situation, but this is what I lack.

Obviously, I can’t flat out tell you that I don’t have any friends, because that would be a downright lie. But my list of friends is severely limited, and there always happens to be some reason that there isn’t enough time, most likely a conflicting work schedule of some kind. I’ve been given the run around in my time in more ways that I can imagine. I’m not saying that it’s anyones fault, but it always just seems that I get the short end of the stick. I can plan an event of some kind, and I could arrive there to find out that I’m the only one there. I still haven’t been able to figure out if that’s just because I choose lame things to go out for, or if it’s because people just don’t want to hang out, but either way, it’s just a pretty low feeling.

Through all of this, I’ve almost missed the whole main point of this. I have a lot of friends, or at the very least acquaintances, and it seems that they all have the things in life that I wish I had. Heck, half of them don’t even barely have a computer to use, and while that would probably suck for someone like me, they have friends that they can hang out with, or places to go in which they can find other things of entertainment to do. Unlike most of my friends, I live in a city in the middle of nowhere, and there aren’t any people around me that are my age, so if there’s anything that I ever want to do, I have to go for a bit of a drive to get there. I don’t mind the drive, but some people are lucky enough to have friends who live nearly across the street from them. Because of this boundary of length, it seems that I barely ever get to get out and socialize, or just to get out and enjoy the fresh air with the people of whom I call my friends, and it’s a rough feeling to have.

A social life is something that I’ve always had, yet not. Back in high school, I had friends who lived a few cities away who I would see on a weekly basis, and those days still live to be some of the best days of my life; and yet, somehow they were also some of the worst, but, that’s an unrelated story. Nowadays, everyone has grown up, went on their separate ways, and so that batch of friends is completely gone from my life. Now I’ve moved into a period of my life where I have friends, and when I’m with them, it’s an awesome time, but, none of them have ever become close enough to me that I could consider them to be “best” friends. In fact, the best friend that I think I have lives four states away, and with how busy his own life has become, I feel that I’ve lost touch with him as well. And so, here I sit, writing my inner most thoughts to you, the wide open world of the Internet, just because I can’t find someone to share them with here in my “real life”, as they call it.

There is a bit of a misconception involved with all of this that I’ve somewhat eluded to to some people, that if I ever were to have a girlfriend, someone whom I could love and trust, and be able to speak to, that I feel that my life would therefore be better. Many people have told me that that won’t instantly make life be better, and I fully understand that, but what people don’t realize is that even if it were just a really close friend who hung out with me all the time, and I was able to trust and share my life with, that would be excellent as well. Love isn’t an instant thing, and I fully understand that, however I feel that I’m wasting away these precious years of my life which could be better spent making someone else happy. Again, that’s not to say that I don’t make my friends happy, because I sure hope that I do, but I’ve been waiting for that day when I can show someone how much they really matter in this world.

Babble babble blah blah yawn. You’ve just read a bunch of things that have been sitting on my mind, that I lost sleep over writing, because I knew that if I waited, I would forget all of this. And the worst feeling I’m having about all of this is that the people who I wish and hope will read this, probably never will, and therefore will be completely lost in the void of the Internet once again. As always though, open discussion is fully allowed and encouraged by leaving a comment on this article, and don’t forget to check back often to see if anyone has replied to you. And if you know anyone who is friends with me as well who may benefit from reading this, or even if you know someone countries away who may feel encouraged or enlightened by what I have shared today, please share this with them. My goal in life is to make a difference in this world, and I’m still not sure how, but we all have to start somewhere, so maybe this is it.

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