Your Life Outlook

Introduction – The following entry is a very personal entry, but comes with many thoughts that can be discussed, and contemplated by yourself as well. This may be out of the norm for entries that you usually see on this site, but ultimately this website is still my own personal weblog, and while I try not to get personal on here, the following means a great deal to me, and that is why it made it up on the site. I thank you for taking the time to read this, and I hope it sheds some light on the subject for you.

en⋅light⋅en [en-lahyt-n] –verb (used with object) 1. to give intellectual or spiritual light to; instruct; impart knowledge to [source]

It’s amazing where one can find enlightenment in this world. Some find it when they are learning in school, some find it when they are talking to a person that they admire, some even find it when they are reading articles on the Internet. But have you ever said something to someone that got them so worked up that you realized something? This is how I came by my enlightenment, and while I’ve always known it, I’ve had my eyes closed to it for most of the years of my life. I will fully admit, I continue to try and ignore it it some cases, but, it still holds true.

Has anyone ever stopped to think about how their life is? I’m sure we all have, but, for the past few years, and especially the past few weeks, I’ve been letting it affect me more than usual. I can fully admit that life gets me down, and often. I, while not clinically, am bipolar, and I can have up days and down days at the drop of a hat, and when the stress in life rises, it sometimes gets hard to turn things around. I view life, and humanity, in a very critical light. While it’s not to say that I judge people quickly, I do generalize the entire human race in usually very negative ways due to what I see in my life. And it affects me hard when those people are also affecting my life and how I get along in it.

Really though, how hard is my life? This is where I begin to look critically at everything. I work part-time at a retail establishment, which honestly doesn’t utilize my skills in the best of ways, but, in the end, it’s a job. Many times I feel very disrespected by my superiors, as if they think that I am just a lowly being who was hired to work for minimum and doesn’t care. And then there are fellow coworkers, where many of them really don’t care, and treat the job like it’s just a way of getting money, and do it quick and careless.  The collection of this creates a work environment where, and I do not mean to sound egotistical but, I feel that my intellect is not used to the best of it’s ability. And, while some would just say to find another job, in the current economy, doing such a thing is harder than it seems, especially when you’re looking for something that isn’t a part-time gig.

And of course there’s college as well, where once again, I take a turn for the worse. Unlike many colleges, most of the professors, or teachers as I should probably consider them, do not do it as their primary job, and therefore do not take it as seriously as I wish they did. Therefore the education that I have been getting has been lackluster. And to make things worse, the school has not completely nailed down the entire curriculum yet, meaning that I have taken classes where the books are actually incomplete. The combination of all of these factors worries me, because I fear that employers will overlook me when I do not have the necessary skills needed to get into a job in the field that I am interested in. This, in turn, creates stress, and continues to wear down on my emotional well being.

But let’s step back and take a look at the lifestyle that I am leading. I live in a large, new house that my parents built after saving money for their entire lives, with new appliances and everything in a working condition. I have a PlayStation 3 which I was given for my birthday last year, and I have two computers which I purchased for myself so that I may continue my prospects in the technological world. I have a loving family which sits down for dinner together on a daily basis, and always has home cooked meals. I’m going to college, I have a job which gives me at least thirty hours a week, I have a car. Based off of all of these factors, I have absolutely no right to complain about my life.

Yet I do. The fact that I am disrespected at the workplace, that I am getting a failure of an education… and that I am alone, has me depressed very often. When I step back and take a look at life, I look not for the physical possessions that I own, but for the impact that I make on other peoples’ lives. Now that I’ve said that, I can name a great deal of people who I have met through the Internet who could say that I’ve made a great impact on their lives, and that they are happy to know me, yet, I only met them because I sit on my computer for hours at a time and chat on social networking websites and virtual worlds. People say that I should get out and meet new people then, and that it isn’t that hard, but, when at a place like a club, and alone, it’s an awkward position. And this is coming from a guy who is terribly open and quite friendly with many people that he’s around.

So where am I going with all of this, you may ask. Let’s return to the beginning of this all and rethink about it. I was talking to someone who is very, very close to me this past evening, and I was telling them about my Thanksgiving dinner. We moved into talking about memories, and how I wanted to make some new ones in the near future. She told me that every day was a memory, and when I went to argue that point, we got into a bit of a scuffle about our lives. I brought up the point that I don’t make many good memories in my life, as being at work, or school, or anywhere that I am forced to be where there aren’t people around who you care about makes it hard to be having a good time. She then went off on me, explaining that while every day may not go well, there’s always another day where things could go better, and that I shouldn’t just sit and dwell on the bad times that I drown myself in.

My response to that was mediocre, looking back, but, I’ve come up with a better one. The reasoning behind why I always get so down is because I know that the next day will just be filled with the same junk that that day had been filled with, as my life is scheduled pretty tightly. Knowing that the next time that I’ll really enjoy myself is a week away, or more, makes it extremely difficult to really care enough to brighten up my mood. Which comes back to the original idea of what I look for in life. As many people have figured, I am a hopeless romantic, and I base my life around the aspect of love, and sharing the love that I have in my heart with others, especially a significant other. Now I understand how some people can find that trivial and idiotic, but it’s the way I’ve always lived my life. I could be homeless and bundled up under a blanket with the one person in the world who I love the most, and I wouldn’t have any regrets. But again, that is a thought that most people would denounce as insane and inhuman.

From all of this, however, I have become enlightened. While I still have that thought in my head that my life is not what I want it to be, it’s those lingering memories of the good times that keep me rolling on to the next batch of good times. And I know that my life is not that bad; there are people out there who are suffering, possibly because of the economy, or because of a broken family, but there are people out there who are much worse off than I am. In all of this, I am not making an excuse for why I am the way I am, or trying to justify why I am sad, but the past eighteen hours have given me a lot of time to really think about everything.

Which brings me to my final point, and one that scares me to say. There is a fine line between being crazy, and being genuine, and I ask myself if I’m walking that line every day. But I know deep down in my heart that when I say it, I mean it. While I’d like to think that I don’t base my opinions of a person off of a first impression, it’s a known fact that, as humans, we all do it, and I am no exception. In my case, though, it also works in the positive aspect. I feel that I have fallen in love with a girl. At first, it was just the similar interests, the amazingly kind personality and the wonderful beauty, but now, I find that she is actually changing me, and at the moment, for the better. I am sure that she will read this, and after reading this, it is at this point that my heart will begin to beat rapidly, wondering if she now considers me genuine in how I speak… or crazy for being so mad in the head.

Epilogue – If you have made it this far, I thank you, from the bottom of my heart. This article was a really hard one to create, as it contains a lot of thoughts and ideas which I tend to keep inside of myself. I felt, however, that my heart and mind were both ready to chronicle my feelings and share them with the world. I apologize to those of you who find that I have a mind which should be locked up and the key thrown away, but I think like not many other humans do. I do not consider myself above & beyond anyone in saying all of this, as I am still human, but I consider myself to be of rare breed, which may or may not be a good thing.

If you have an opinion, or any comments about this article, please post them in the comments section, and do check back for replies from myself and other readers. Thank you for your time, and please have an excellent weekend.

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